Jealousy

Its a nasty thing.

Its insecurity really when you stop and you think about it.

Jealousy is really just feeling insecure about someone or something, usually someone, and you act out to express that insecurity in a myriad of different ways.

Tango Jealousy on the other hand….

It does happen.

However, it shouldn’t. Because of the nature of the dance, you shouldn’t get jealous over a dance with X or Y person. You should be happy for them that they’re getting danced, and getting danced well, or at all. However, that doesn’t always happen. I had an experience recently where a friend (note the use of the word there) of mine got all jealous about ME dancing with a friend of hers because she saw me having more fun with her friend than I was having with her. Oy talk about a long night after that! Live and learn I say. Apologize and move on. However the experience taught me that no matter how ‘nice nice’ someone is, you’re still dealing with human jealousies. And you have to manage them carefully.

So let’s set this up a bit….

You’re just starting to be ‘friendly’ with someone at the Milonga (while I advocate against this, to each his/her own), and you see them dancing with X, Y or Z lead/follower, and they’re getting danced poorly. Do you shake your head and hope that the experience isn’t too terrible for them. Afterwards do you go over and pat them on the shoulder and say something consoling ?

Or how about the reverse and this is where things get interesting….

Same situation, only they’re getting danced really really well, and they’re loving it! Smiling, giggling, laughing…and most of all they’ve got that blissful glow on their faces. Ok, now what do you do ?

Here’s a good one…what do you do when its your lover ? How do you talk about what just happened when its your lover ? Do you reserve those things that were intimate between you and another person for just that person or do you share the experience (bad or good) with your lover ?

Here’s yet another, you’re dancing several nights a week, and your partner doesn’t want to dance, can’t dance, doesn’t even want to think of dancing, as a matter of fact, they hate the whole idea. And every time you go out, they growl, grimace, grumble (assuming you’re living together), etc. And god forbid you should invite them to the milonga….you’ll never hear the end of it, right ?

And god help you if you’re married already and one of you dances and the other doesn’t! You’re just askin’ for trouble at that point, especially if you’re married to a closet insecure person.

Let’s refocus a bit….we’re talking about Tango Jealousy, the kind that is derived from two people that are actively dancing at the same time and possibly at different tango levels, and happen to be ’sweet’ on each other at the moment.

You know that kind I’m talking about…right ?

Along the way you happen along a situation where you witness one tango partner getting danced like nobodies business, by someone other than their current romantic interest….

We’ve all seen this, and if we’re true students of the dance, we could care less. Honestly. However, there are those moments, and we all see them happen, when something else happens at the end of the tanda. Its not “thank you”, but …something else. Several tandas later, they’re still dancing with that other person….

So here’s the what if…what if its YOU in that situation and you’re witnessing this happen ?

Do your buttons get pushed ? Do you talk about it ? Do you gush over the amazing dance you just had to your partner ? Do you keep it to yourself ? Do you talk and share everything ????

If you’re grounded, clear, present and understand that in order to get better as a lead/follower you have to dance with everyone. It makes your adaptability even that much greater. Its a skill you have to develop, the ability to adapt to every kind of leader and follower, in order to dance well with everyone. So that means you have to check your emotions at the door, or come to some level of understanding. I know tango couples that have a rule - the last dance is theirs. I know other couples that don’t give a rats damn about it, and just dance with whomever they want to dance with. Because for them its just a dance, and its not life. For others it IS life. For still others that I’ve witnessed its, a livelihood.

So how do you handle Tango Jealousy ?

Tango is one the strangest dances and communities I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in.

Tango weeds out the wackos. It weeds out the strange people. And by its very nature, requires that you understand the vocabulary in order to use the vocabulary. Failure to do that and boy do you look stupid, ok…you don’t look stupid, just inexperienced. Tango also forces you out of your insecurities. If you want to dance well…and you happen to date a tango dancer, you know as a rule that your partner is going to dance with lots of different people throughout the course of the milonga. And that it means absolutely nothing. They came with you and more than likely they’ll leave with you. Tango by its nature, may be a bit crazy to the tango tortured among us, however its got some stability in how we act towards and by each other. It has to otherwise nastiness is going to happen. And for some reason, some how, some way, these things always work themselves out. Jealousy dissipates and replaced by something else. That “insecurity” is diminished.

Someone once said to me, “Miles you can’t get jealous over this shit, you just can’t. Its impossible. It serves absolutely NO purpose”.

In short, jealousy has no place in tango. None what so ever.

Tag: relationships