Toast

My Top 3

I’m feeling much better today, although still tired. I’m getting some strange vibes from my mother, but that’s par for the course. I think when she is hungover or has overeaten, as she has been for the past week, she becomes more tense, projects anxiety out, becomes more needy and finds it hard to reestablish a healthy structure for herself, given that she doesn’t really have one in place to begin with. This is all behaviour that i have wrestled with myself in the past. Today she has basically prepared a large meal for a social occasion for which she neglected to properly invite anyone. Then she summons me over to prepare a dish that i won’t be eating. Sigh. It seems like i’m having food boundary issues with everyone. It is making me more determined to do what’s right for me.

Not one drop of alcohol passed my lips last night and I got up and did a slightly lower intensity Tan sprints (respecting the heatwave) and a mini home Afterburn. Parts of my Tan circuit were shaded by large maples (is that what they are?!) and the sun would flicker through the trees in an enchanting gesture to those who had a clean new year. It was a beautiful thing and i was so glad to be there. I felt it as a gift. I knew i’d done the right thing yesterday even if it was hard. I think i do have the inner strength, i was just unsure if it was there and if i could use it.

I’ve decided i must play the game with this new boy a bit more. (NB: overnight New Love has become New Boy!) Although i haven’t jumped the gun sexually so to speak, and this is good and new for me too, I think i have emotionally committed too soon and i’m going to need to pull back a bit. He might be charming, entertaining and attractive - okay let’s just stick to charming - but i’ve got it going on too. There’s no point rushing into something that i’m going to have to messily extricate myself from in a couple of weeks. Perhaps you can make differences work, but when those differences are as extreme as fitness and narcotics, perhaps you’re pushing against the tide too much. Because he said he’d had a crush on me for 6 months and i’ve vaguely known him for that long, we DO have a nice rapport and he broke up with someone else to go out with me, I sort of thought that it would be okay to be emotionally open. No, i’m just naive, possibly lacking in experience. If he does want to get this relationship happening he is going to have to work a little harder. I’ve probably made it too easy. Even he has told me that i’m “the one with the power”. So i shouldn’t be feeling bad. Have power - eat dry toast with tomato .

Strange. I feel like i’ve woken up from a deep sleep. if only. Anyway the new plan is
that if he wants to hook up today, I will suggest tomorrow instead. Possibly even Thursday *gasp*.