Stealth-Influence: Not As Sinister As It Sounds

Have you ever thought about the influence your own behavior has on your relationships? Or that the way people treat you is, in long term relationships, the way you have taught them to treat you? Does that seem unreasonable?

An old saw.

You’ve probably heard the story about the old fellow sitting on his porch on the edge of his hometown who is approached by two separate individuals at two separate times. The first individual pulls up, gets out of his car, and asks the old man, “I’m thinking of moving into town and I was wondering what kind of people live here?”

The old man replies, “Well, what kind of people lived in your old town?”

“They were rude and obnoxious. Everyone was only concerned with themselves. No one cared about getting to know their neighbor.”

“Well,” says the old man, “I’m afraid you’ll find exactly the same kind of folks here.”

Later that day the second individual pulls up, gets out of his car, and asks the old man the same question: “What kind of people live here?”

“Well, what kind of people lived in your old town?”

“They were pleasant and friendly. Everyone looked out for their neighbor. It was a really great place to live.”

“I’m happy to say you’ll find exactly the same kind of folks here,” says the old man.

My interpretation.

When I first read this story I thought that the difference in the people was only a matter of perspective. The first individual was looking for disagreement and rudeness so that was what he would find. The second individual was looking for agreement and friendliness so that was what he would find.

I now realize that a more complete understanding has to do with the behavior of the individuals involved. Perspective is a part of it. A larger part of it is the way they both trained their neighbors to treat them.

Whenever you are interacting with someone there is a dynamic occurring. It has to do with energy and awareness. This is nothing esoteric. The energy I am describing has to do with body language, enthusiasm of gestures, vocal range, pitch, and volume, eye contact. What I’m getting at is behavior: what you are doing and saying and how you are doing and saying it.

A simple way to think of it is interest. When you are interested in what is being communicated you behave differently than if you aren’t interested. And the way you behave influences the how to put this to use.

Let’s say that you have a friend who likes to complain to you about his sorry life more than you would prefer to hear. To start you were a good friend: you listened, asked probing questions, tried to give advice. You now realize that he doesn’t want to change anything he just likes to complain. You don’t want to hear it any more.

Unfortunately, with your past behavior (i.e. the intent listening, the questions, the attempts at advice) you have trained him to complain to you. Perhaps you are the only friend that allows him to do this on a regular basis. You helped create him as a complainer. You can help him stop complaining.

Do this.

Whenever he complains give minimal response. Act as if nothing is being communicated. Don’t ask questions to draw further details. Don’t frown to try to punish the complaining. Do your best to do nothing at all.

Whenever he talks about more positive aspects of his life or is doing anything that you would like to see more of (i.e. he’s not complaining) become interested in his communication. Smile, become animated, ask questions to get more details on a positive experience, nod; basically, become interested and let him know you’re interested through your behavior.

Subtle communication.

In this way you are now sending your friend a subtle communication that you will not be taking part in his complaining behavior. He is most likely not going to be conscious of what you are doing. He may notice that you seem distracted but he won’t make the connection that you are only responding when he is not complaining.

This is pure behavior analysis in action. You are putting the complaining behavior on a schedule of extinction. Since you will never give complaining any reinforcement it will die out. Anything that is not complaining you reinforce which trains an incompatible behavior. He can’t complain and not complain at the same time. Subtle and effective.

Some concerns.

Does this seem manipulative? How manipulative is his complaining every time you meet? I think that is unacceptable and unfair to you. And he will probably find that he is happier around you for some unknown reason. Would a more ethical solution be to allow him to remain the same and just sever the friendship? Or just endure?

This technique can be used to influence someone in the exact opposite direction. You could train someone to become miserable in your presence. My intention is never to do harm. My resolution is to positively influence people. When I use this technique I am making a judgement. You will have to do the same.

I look at it like this: I am free to ethically influence others to treat me the way I want to be treated. If I do not want people to complain to me I do not need to respond to complaining. If I like it when people treat me the way I want to be treated I can respond positively in order to reinforce that behavior. I can be blatant or subtle, there is no force involved.

You already do this, now do it on purpose.

You are using this technique every day in every interaction. You have trained every one you know how to interact with you. Now that you are aware of what you have been doing you can become a more effective trainer.

Notice what you do not want in your relationships and stop reinforcing those behaviors. Notice what you want and make sure to reinforce those behaviors. Three books I highly recommend for further study:

• by Karen Pryor
• by Aubrey Daniels
• by Amy Sutherland