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«Na aridez abrasada de sol do grande lago poeirento que, por mais leve que se pise, cobre a gente, até os olhos, de branca poeira peneirada, o menino e a fonte formam um grupo risonho e esplêndido, cada qual com a sua alma. Embora ali não haja uma única árvore, o coração, em chegando, se enche de uma palavra que os olhos fixam, gravada no céu azul da Prússia, com grandes letras de luz: OÃSIS. A manhã já tem um calor de sesta e a cigarra chia nas oliveiras, para as bandas do cercado de San Francisco. O sol bate em cheio na cabeça do menino. Ele, porém, distraÃdo com a água, não sente. Estendido no chão, está com a mão sob o jorro vivo, e a água lhe põe na palma um borbotante tesouro de frescura e de graça que seus negros olhos comtemplam em êxtase. Fala sozinho, respira fundo, coça-se aqui e ali, com a outra mão. O tesouro, sempre igual e diferente sempre, desfaz-se à s vezes. O menino, então, se retrai, apruma-se, concentra-se para que nem essa pulsação do sangue que, como um espelho que se movesse sozinho, muda a sensÃvel imagem do calendoscópio, roube à água a primitiva forma surpreendida. Platero, não sei se entenderás ou não o que te digo: mas esse menino tem a minha alma em sua mão». [ Juan Ramón Jiménez - Platero e Eu, Cap. XLII - O Menino e a Fonte ]
I’m angry, sad, worried, stressed, and resigned today, depending on which moment you ask me. Shiloh has been going to her daycare everyday since she was six weeks old. Almost for two years now. I was scared to death when I first took her there, but I felt like it was the right place for her (since me being with her wasn’t an option) and we both like her daycare. Shiloh has friends there that she’s known since she was an infant. I know most of you probably think that a two year old (minus one month) can’t have friends yet. Shiloh does. She loves her friends and talks about them, even at home. Everyday, when I ask her if she’s ready to go to school, her face lights up and she yells, “Yeah!” and then starts naming the friends she wants to play with. This helps to take away some of my guilt for having to keep her in daycare. At least she enjoys it and I know she is learning. When I picked Shiloh up from school yesterday, they told me they are closing the daycare. In one month. This isn’t some little home daycare that popped up and then went under. This daycare is affiliated with a church (which is one reason I liked it) and it’s been around for 30 years. It has a capacity for close to 100 kids. It’s not a small daycare. I found out today, from a friend, that the elders of the church wanted to close the school in two weeks, but the daycare director argued with them until they agreed to one month. Do you know how hard it is to find a daycare in a month? Especially in a small town. Especially when there are almost 100 parents trying to find an opening at the same time. The only reason they gave us for closing was because “the church elders decided they want to go in a different direction.” That’s fine, but give us six months. A year. I tried not to think about it last night, because I couldn’t do anything until morning. Inevitably, that’s all I dreamed about. I started calling daycares first thing this morning. My first choice was one that my friend, Cat’s, kids went to. It doesn’t take kids under three. Then I called one that is pretty new but is supposed to be nice. I put her name on the list, but the soonest they have an opening is January. Then I called every one I could think of. I found two places with openings and both of them were in the projects. Not just a bad neighborhood, the projects. I’m not trying to be mean, I would be there too, if I wasn’t living with my parents, but I don’t think it’s safe for Shiloh. I finally found one that is only about five minutes from my work. It’s not a big daycare, I think their capacity is 12, but I went to visit it at lunchtime. It was at a woman’s house but it was in a separate building behind her home. It was nice enough and there were four woman/girls that worked there. She told me that in the next few weeks, they would be changed from a home daycare, to a group daycare and they would be able to take 12 more kids. They didn’t really have any kids around Shiloh’s age at this point. It was mostly babies. This worries me because Shiloh is so social and because I want to know they are teaching her things. She loves to learn. I filled out the paperwork and told them to call me when they had an opening. I found out that I actually went to school with the owner of the daycare, although I graduated three years before her. I told my friend, Tiffany, all of this because she’s in the same boat, since her little boy, Kayden, just started going to the daycare a month ago. She told me that her husband knows this girl and remembers her and her brothers from school and said they were good Christian people. Chris told Tiffany to sign Kayden up there. That made me feel better, because I knew Shiloh would know someone. When I went to pick Shiloh up, today, Tiffany told me she might be changing her mind. Kayden’s teacher offered to keep Kayden in her home and Tiff’s thinking about doing that instead. At least until she can find a daycare. That shouldn’t have made me doubt everything again, but it did. I don’t know what to do. I can put Shiloh in this little daycare, but I don’t know how she’ll like it or what they’ll teach her or how they’ll treat her. I don’t know what to do. Shiloh’s teacher (different teacher than Kayden’s) told me that she would love to keep Shiloh at her home. She said she really loves Shiloh and she already wants to cry, thinking about having to say goodbye to her. I think I like her teacher, but she hasn’t been there that long. She seems very nice and definately cares about Shiloh, but I worry too much. I know big daycares have their downsides, but they seem more structured and safe to me. I guess because there are lots of people around. I’m sure her teacher, Melissa, is wonderful, but I don’t know her family or her home life or anything. Her husband is at the daycare sometimes, when I pick Shiloh up, so I know he gets off work before I do. If he’s there, Shiloh is always glued to his side. She loves him. (I don’t even know the guy’s name.) There isn’t anything wrong with her liking Melissa’s husband, except I don’t know him, and to know that Shiloh is at their house scares me. First the small reasons: At a home, I don’t know if they let her sit and watch tv all day. I don’t know if they take her out to town (seems more dangerous to me). And she won’t be around other kids. (I think they can only watch two or three in their home.) The big reason: I don’t know them. I don’t know her husband. I can think of a million bad things that could happen to her there. I think it’s just my mistrust of some men (which I’m trying not to pass on to Shiloh). I don’t know what to do. This has turned my whole world upside down and I don’t know why. I guess it’s because I don’t feel like I have any security or constantsin my life, anymore, and I don’t want that for Shiloh. I’m scared of the unknown. I don’t want anything to hurt my baby, physically or emotionally. I am praying about it, but I don’t know which way to go and I feel like I have to make a fast decision, or I’ll run out of time. It’s such a huge, scary thing to trust a stranger with your baby. I dealt with it once and now I have to do it all over again, in a place that feels less safe to me. Even the small daycare, that I looked at today, seems scary. It does have a few teachers, and it is separate from the house, but it’s still next to the house, and again, I don’t know her husband or home life. I’m obviously not going to get Shiloh into a big daycare in the next month. I don’t know what to do now. I wish I could just stay home with her. It doesn’t seem fair (but I’ve learned life isn’t). I don’t want to deal with this right now. Why did this have to happen? I know I must seem very melodramatic for reacting like this, but it seems like a big thing to me. I thought Shiloh would be at this school until she started kindergarten. Sorry this post was so long and whiny. I’m just having a very stressful day.
There is no reason to feel robbed of choice by destiny, or to worry that the wrong choice will ruin our destiny. All choices accomplish our destiny. It is through the choices that we learn, and it is because of the ability to make choices that we come to this particular planet. It is our journey that sets up the situations in which we must make the choices and it is through making the choices that we reach our destiny. One thing that we cannot deny is that there are many synchronicities in our lives. These synchronicities show us that there is a plan. There is destiny, which is a destination. However there are many ways to reach it. There are many rivers that empty into the same ocean. Those many rivers in our lives represent our choices. In every moment of our lives there are choices that we make, those choices determine the experiences that we will encounter on our way to our destination, but they do not change the destination. Those synchronistic moments are destined points. Each path that we take, each choice that we make takes us on a journey towards our destination, however no one way is longer or shorter although some may be easier than others. This is where our free will comes in. We come here with certain karma and certain things that we must learn. We can learn them the hard way or we can learn them the easy way, each way represents a path that we take, but neither path changes the destination. If, for example one has to learn patience, one would be in such a hurry that corners would constantly be cut and experiences rushed through. One would be faced constantly with choices that would give the impression that there is always a way to cut corners and skip steps to get ahead. Each fork in the road would provide all that would be needed in order to take the easy way out. It would always be the most apparent option. That choice will always seem so tempting and so obvious. Along that path if one takes the easy way there will always be traps, which will begin to appear as soon as one is too far in to turn back. Always ending up working twice as hard as would have been the case had the task been handled slowly and with patience from the beginning. One would notice at one point that this scenario exists and perhaps choose to do it the slow cautious way from the beginning, therefore changing the path from one that is difficult to one that is smooth. Thus now creating a path in which everything falls into place. One may on the other hand continue choosing the apparent easy way believing that just changing one thing will make it right. However, each time there is one different thing that will go wrong because the destination is to learn patience. I always believed that I had to find the perfect job. I went from job to job never staying more than one year in any place. Each time I was disappointed to find that I was no further ahead than I was at the job before that one. Finally it dawned on me that it was not being in the right place that was the problem; not staying in one place long enough for growth to happen was my problem. When I committed to staying in the next place that I landed regardless of how much I wanted to move on, my life changed. This was a part of my process. There are many lessons in our lives that we must learn and the paths that our lives take depend upon our learning those lessons. An easy life is not the birthright of the majority of souls here at this time. The clock that we are on here is not a clock marked by seconds, minutes and hours; it is a clock marked by lessons, agreements and destiny. It does not matter how long it takes us to reach a certain point, all of the things that we consider wrong turns and dead ends are merely the places we had to go to get the tools and the emotional strength that we needed to move to the next destination. There are special relationships that we are here to have. Most of them are not to be permanent, but all of them have a specific lesson within them for us to learn. We are never with the wrong person, each person allows us to perfect some part of ourselves. Each person in our lives reflects those things in us that we need to focus on. We come from one Source and we journey towards returning to that Source. While we are here on earth, we are learning that we are one. All of the souls that we meet, and all of the souls that inhabit the planet with us along with the ones who have left us here, are one. People risk destroying themselves and their lives in order to fix their bodies to make them more attractive to others. They change their faces, blow up their lips, and vacuum out their stomachs to attract someone who will love them. But if they are attracted by the things that we do to change ourselves – it is the change and not us that matters to the other person. So the feeling of being unloved remains. If there is something about ourselves that we want to change for ourselves this is fine. Yet if we are changing our bodies in order to attract that special someone who will love us, we are missing the point. When we meet someone special we feel a sense of fate around the meeting and this is because it is a fated meeting. been a feeling of fatedness about the meeting. We can fix our bodies to attract other bodies, but it will never attract someone’s heart or soul. What I see around me are a million lonely Barbies looking for their Kens. When we work on the inside, on who we are, we will attract to us someone interested in who we are. That special someone will love us, that love will be love soul to soul. Even more importantly, that person is destined to be with us when we are ready, not ready on the outside but ready on the inside. There are many superficial experiences that we have and learn from. Yet what affects us on the inside, those things that touch our souls are the things that are in our destiny. We do not make them happen we can only grow to meet them, and make sure that we are prepared for them when we do.
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